Heavy hearted

 

My ooh my WordPress hates my iPad. Finally I was able to login after a week. Feels strange when I can’t read or post, almost like my routine is all a miss.

 

14dpo today. Tested against my better judgment got a BFN.

 

I wasn’t sad or upset, guessed I am getting used to it. Is this a bad sign? Is it a coping mechanisms ? Have I given in on the idea I can’t get pregnant?

 

English: Logo for the US television show Grey'...

Tonight I watched the season premiere of greys anatomy, I have been loyal fan since day one and even while I was abroad for a year. Well shocker it was sad, surprisingly once I cried I was emotional. Quie in my good friend who is a month away from due date, she asked about my cycle and I just keep crying. Oh boy I am emotional,  all the crying opened the flood crates of emotion.

 

(This was all written yesterday, could not finish)

 

Today I have felt the urge to cry, no tears came. Fears enveloped me, thoughts that I won’t be able to have children.

 

My other closest friend called for a catch up, which was really nice. However she is 22 weeks Along so it’s hard for me to not think about babies.   Ahh I wouldn’t say I am struggling more like I am just oddly emotional.

This cycle is number 11 since starting TTC , it has been a different even from my unusual cycles.

 

Lets start with AF it was as though clots were blocking the flow and so it would flow then stop flow then stop and so on lasting three days longer than normal. Ovulated earlier than ever before CD 15 that’s two days earlier than normal. Had a large follicle ripe and ready on cd15 earliest ever. So did trigger and first IUI, and progesterone supplements. Two weeks after pos ovulation test I test for pregnancy and neg, that’s actually very normal. Now AF is not here and not really looming that I can tell (abnormal). Well maybe it’s looming!

 

Oh I feel crazy.

 

i called the RE office to see what I need to do for consult and where I should be in my cycle. I have to get a referred and then I am good.  I will get prescription for fermera like normal.

 

mrs. W.

 

whirl-wind week IUI 1

English: The Kraken roller coaster ride at Sea...

Wow what a week of my life, honestly its to be expected that my life is a constant monthly roller-coaster but the past week as been a level 5 roller-coaster. From vacation to lost wedding rings to IUI (#1) and progesterone my oh my.

Caution its a long one because its be a awhile since last post!

Last Monday i deiced since my husband was on vacation that we needed to do something so i looked up hotel prices in a coastal town a couple hours drive from here call Fort Bragg, CA. Not to be confused with the army base in NC. So of coarse hotel rooms are expensive but i thought we could swing two nights which would stretch or finance pretty thin, however i thought it was much need and would be worth it. Bonus would be relaxation just before O time. So we called MIL to see if she was available to come stay at our place for those nights to watch all our fur babies she was free so we got the green light to go. So very excited, i haven’t been to Fort Bragg since i was about 7-8 years old and hubby had never been so it was all new to him. Granted my experiences there were going to be drastically different because i went there with my family who had friends there that we would rent out there vacation house. My parents would abalone dive and we would walk the beach or play around the house.

Some must see spots are Glass Beach! As a child this beach looked just like this but sadly that was nearly 20 years ago and most the glass was gone or we were in the wrong spot.

English: The Glass beach in Fort Bragg, Califo...

Choo-Choo next stop was the infamous Skunk train. I have to tell you this made me a little sad because i couldn’t resist the underlying urge to take my own children on this short train ride. I imagined the kid being excited to ride a real steam or diesel train, the excitement of meeting the conductor, wearing all the train gear (overalls and matching hat). I walked through the gift shop and saw all the kids stuff and just wished i was buying for an over excited child. I thought of all the fun facts they would tell me or we would learn about.i could tell hubby was feeling the same way.

There is so much fun railroad and redwood history, i can remember when i first road the train how exciting and educational it all was.

On the actual 4 hour journey my thoughts of my unborn/adopted children faded to OMG this diesel exhaust is going to poison my unborn children good thing my TWW hasn’t started. The trip back to the station we stayed inside and drifted to sleep.

LogoSkunk Train 120630_12

The trip had been so relaxing and calm we walked around the beaches and along the bluffs. We had champaign and strawberry cake one night. We played rumy and watched the sunset. We took cute self portraits of ourselves. We got to wear sweatshirts which i love! I even remembered to do my OPK’s, while away from home. Was so nice so peaceful and easy. As we left we knew we didn’t want to drive in the same way we drove in so we decided to take the sinic drive down Hwy 1. It goes right along the coast of CA and is so amazingly pretty, its not time saving at all though. We stopped along at another beach walked along the cove, drove another hour stopped at the light house and walked along the cliffs and saw some fun tide pools. My metformin had been upseting my stomach all day so frequent stops as unpleasant port-o-potty’s was required.

Drove another hour then HOLY S*** I left my wedding rings on the night stand, where i had placed them as i did my hair. Hubby pulled over on a cliff and we called the hotel, i couldn’t cry i just knew they were gone. Long story short the room had been clean and they were not found then we drove all the way back and looked and they were no there, hotel staff was not helpful in the least. Went to police station filed report but not much they can do. Drove the shorter distance home meanwhile i did cry and then felt so numb, i was disappointed that i had not protected one of the most valuable things i owned. We hadn’t done the insurance on the rings yet and we didn’t get renters insurance yet either. So replacing the rings is probably not going to happen anytime in the near future. I kept telling myself they are just a material object and really they are replaceable, i need to keep calm for ovulation tomorrow.  The next three hours i just worked on putting it out of my mind and accepting it for what it was and what i could do about it.

Sure enough OPK was positive the next morning, which was perfect timing because i had my follicle check at 1:30. At about 1 i started my anxiety about the appointment. Was my blood pressure and heart rate going to go through the roof, where they going to lecture me, was there going to be a follicle that was large enough for an egg? Insert probe and uterus checks out then BAM 24mm follicle on my right ovary!!!

Really? on ay 15 there was a ripe follicle—- yes sir re bob! So trigger shot and then IUI tomorrow (Saturday). Well she wasn’t exactly that clear she said it i could come in on sat afternoon or sun morning but because i thought i may have ovulated Thursday evening (felt ovulation pains on right side) i thought it was safer to go sat afternoon. She also said i could bring the sample from home but then didn’t give me a sterile cup so luckily hubby was still on vacation so he was able to come in with me.

So we have to call the on call service because normal office hours are  mon-friday. That was a small hassle but again i was fortunate that it was a female on call. For those of you out there that can handle male doctors doing your procedures more power to you i am just uncomfortable as it is have a male doctor doesn’t help.

So we show up and the OB asks for the sample and we tell her no cup no sample… she comes back with with cup and says we can do it anywhere which means a waiting room or restroom. The entire floor is closed since its the weekend but couldn’t he use a exam room??? Surprisingly he goes into the bathroom and comes back 10min later with specimen in hand ( I am so PROUD). 45min later we come in for insemination, now after reading all the IUI blogs i knew to take some advil for the cramping ahead of time so i did and the IUI was painless and quick!!!

OB asks the husband if he wants to see his swimmers, hubby was so happy to see them even more after she said that it is the highest count she has ever seen for IUI. She didn’t count because there were way more than there needed to be. Again very proud of him.
And then…. she asks about my progesterone levels. Well this dr office has never taken any so there are none on record. But since we are doing the IUI and she normally does this for her patients she gave me a prescription for intravaginal progesterone. I was elated on the inside because i didn’t have to ask and i didn’t think she would offer, my main ob always takes the less is more approach to TTC. On the car ride over the pharmacy i did relise how much i would not like to do these intravaginal pills but i also didn’t want to risk the nausea.

So to sum this cycle up here is what i am taking:

Metformin 2000mg per day

Fermera 2.5mg days 3-7

Trigger shot CD 15

IUI CD16

Progesterone CD18- period or 9weeks gestation

 

With all this i am bound to be successful this cycle. right?

Cheers,

Mrs. W.

 

TTC’ers posed question RE or OB

Currently I have been seeingAmy OBGYN for my fertility treatments. Which I am generally happy with the degree of treatment. Recently I spoke with a family friend who has undergone  similar treatment That I currently seeking. She says I need to switch the the RE. Which would be fine but, our insurance only covers 50% of treatments at the RE. She has the exact same insurrance. While the treatments are very similar the RE treatments will probably be More detail oriented when compared to my OB, meaning more bloodwork and HSG and possibly more.

As I write this I am posing the question out to other TTC‘ers what they would do in my position.

On one hand I could just be worried that we are not taking aggressive enough actions, on the other hand maybe I am just impatient.

While writing this post I am starting to think if this is what we want am I just letting money get between what we want? My hubby says we are being money conscious.

What would you do?

CD1 cycle 10 boo

Ok so I could just tell I wasn’t pregnant this time, but I do know I ovulated. I am not sad right now just anxious that IVF  which we can’t afford is getting closer. I messaged my ob for this moths fermera script, she mention IUI this cycle. Before this would be excited but all I can think about is what happens when it doesn’t work? When will the cut me off label me as infertile and send me to the RE that is out of pock and probably out of reach for us. This could all just be my anxiety taking over.

In other news I have been seriously been considering getting my masters in  counseling, wow it’s a commitment and a lot of money. Money seems to be an ever going defficancy.

I really hope a baby is in my future I am longing to be a mother and bring joy and guidance to a loving soul. 

Whats next 

Metformin 2000mg

Fermera 25mg for day 3-7

US on CD15

Trigger shot  and IUI if follicle is of ripening size

My apologies for such few post lately just not sure what to put in my posts!

Cheers,

Mrs. W.