Pity Party for One

Hurt. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Frustration. Sadness. Misery. Tense. Hopeless. Alone. Rage. Lost. Let down. Less than. Regretful. Unsure.

All these emotions are pouring through me, I started and very light spotting last night and it just confirmed my feelings of not being pregnant. Cried myself to sleep which is really rare but I just hurt. BFN just to confirm this morning.

I am completely aware that this is fairly normal for the end of another cycle when TTC for so long. I know I will overcome it and be strong again, but for the night I just needed to feel everything. Bummed it has to be New Year’s Eve as I don’t want to bring in the new year with such feelings. Good news in this dark moment is that I can drink but probably won’t as we are not much of drinkers, but I will have a coffee. Oh i can also stop taking the progesterone!!( thats almost the most exciting news all day!)

I am just so confused I really don’t know what else to do about getting pregnant. Why isn’t it happening? Is there something wrong that nobody is looking for? What should I be doing my doctor is giving me nothing besides basic medications and the RE doesn’t want to see me for another two cycles. I am scared I as another cycle passes I am becoming more hopeless. I sent my doctor the usual email telling her its CD1 (not yet but starting), and I asked if there is anything else she can look for to see what is happening and if there is anything medicated or un-medicated that I can do. We will see what she says.

Did anyone find a new trick to conceiving in there stocking this year that you want to share?

I am so worn out. I am just getting over a cold I had the last week and a half and I am over loaded with school work and the Christmas decorations are still up. All this was compounded by the fact I saw my closest friends new baby for the first time as she was in town visiting for the holidays. I started TTC three months before her and now she is holding a very beautiful precious 1.5 month old and I am still trying. It’s so hard because I had hoped we would be sharing in all this together. Instead I listen and learn from her which is fine but the timing could have been any worse to start spotting.

This week is going to be so busy- I have three class assignments due and a baby shower on Sunday, which I need to make a baby blanket for. I haven’t even bought the material yet!! The shower is also a supper club so I am making toad in the hole for and I have never made it and need to shop for it. We are slim on groceries. Cramps are coming in the next day or two which usually lay me out for a day. Boy oh Boy this will be an interesting week and all I really want to do is curl up and have a pity party or myself alone with my cats (dogs are on my annoying list at the moment).  Did I mention one of the class assignments is a group activity so I need to meet with them at some point too? I am crying right now just because I don’t want to be strong and handle it all like I normally would; I just want life to be easy for once. I did survive the holidays so I will survive this week and the next.

For now I will drudge through and find hope in this new cycle.

Happy new year to everyone may it be filled with peace and love for you and your loved ones. I can only hope that next year is going to get better for me and my love.

brain

My brain isn’t working anymore….

This cycle I upped my Fermara to 5mg and my ovaries reacted accordingly so I should be ecstatic right?? But I am not, all I can think about is that for the last four months we had one possible egg this time it looks like there is potential for 5 eggs (good news right??). More eggs mean more chances but it also means more missed chances.  I am so was so excited until the IUI (IUI #4) and then I thought, oh my, what if it still doesn’t happen. My dr. briefly brought up the chances of multiples and I quickly shut her up by saying first let’s get pregnant then we will cross that bridge if we get there.

Luckily the holidays have helped keep my mind off TTC this cycle. I am eerily calm. Be not confused thought I still count the days to the end of my TWW at least once a day. I can test on new year’s day!

Thus IUI was more painful of the four; there was a good amount of cramping when he inserted the tube and even cramping (light) till later in the afternoon in my uterus. There was more blood discharge than any of the others which I have to assume came from the tube passing through the cervix. It wasn’t horrible or anything, just not the funniest IUI. It was also with the male dr. which in itself is a huge first. I have always disliked having any man prodding around down there so if it’s not my husband I am usually against it. However maybe since I have had so much poking and probing recently that I am starting to get used to people going in. My husband was in the room so maybe that helped to.

My hubby gave me my trigger shot again this cycle, he is very excited to do them which make me more nervous. This time he poked me a little hard but nothing a few minutes didn’t cure. Strangely I didn’t feel the side effects as strongly as last cycle.  Although my appetite is up!!! Trouble because I have already gained back 3 of the 6 lbs. I had lost. I am totally blaming the fertility meds and not the cookies I have been craving or the extremely lack of physical activity since my last trigger shot. I am in denial but I am content there right now so I will not be pushing the issue until I gain the last three lbs. back at which point I will hate myself.

Other good news was that half of my blood work reports came back and so far everything is neg. meaning I do not appear to have any autoimmune issues interfering with TTC. I did find that 10 vials of blood was a lot. I typically have trouble giving blood as techs have trouble getting a good vein and keeping a good flow. This tech she is a super star! She has done two of my blood works now, both large quantities and she has rocked them both with one poke each and minimal bruising.

Right now I am supposed to be writing a grad school paper that isn’t due until after the holidays but I wanted to get it started so I can relax during the festivities. It really isn’t going so well and my brain is sputtering and not focusing enough to understand the assignment.

Back to my paper I go…

Cheers,

Mrs. W.

Why are we shooting?

Today i turned on the news while i eat my breakfast, but i was shocked and horrified when the news broke about the shootings. Here i am trying to hard to bring a life into the world while someone senselessly takes innocent children’s lives. It scares me to thinking if i am making the right choice, and my heart breaks for the parents who have lost there babies. I can only hope the early reports are wrong and that 28 lives were not senselessly taken.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of all the victims.

What is America coming to these days, what is happening to us? This is the second shooting in a week, what is happening. What has happened to the holiday spirit and humanity.

Today i can not be sad about my own struggles as so many are hurting.

Mrs. W.

Thank you Kathryn!

Saturday a package arrived, at first I was like what is this?? Then I realized it was a wonderful package from Kathryn  at Kathryn Finding Fertility and I nearly started to cry (hormones are in full effect). I opened it quickly and was so excited to receive OPK’s and HCG sticks. Reading her card filled my heart with joy. I never thought when I started this blog someone would send me a gift. This has really taught me about how wonderful this community is. She made me a very cute key chain accessory funny enough were my wedding colors so I adorned it to my keys and love how it is a cheerful reminder that I have such great support from my fellow bloggers.

This was very touching to me for many reasons but the one that reached me the most was that it was a perfect gift for someone trying to conceive that is relatively alone on the journey in my everyday life. It felt so good to feel “acknowledged” and “heard” by someone. I was giddy and happy the rest of the day. It also came at the perfect time as I start the OPK’s tomorrow and I had just put one the grocery list to get some.

Sunday I had a cooking club holiday dinner, I even mentioned to my friend in the group about the gift. Which sounds strange to point out except I don’t really talk about my blogging to anyone it is kind of my best kept secret, not to be confused for sham. I love that I can be me here I don’t feel judged about anything I write and I really love it, but people in my everyday are not as great with not judging.

Maybe I am a little silly about all this but gifting is my “language of love” and so to receive this  gift meant more to me than Kathryn may ever know.  I really can’t thank her enough for touching me all the way from the great state of Texas!images

Last cycle for the year and start for next year

You know it’s the end of a cycle when you eat a plate of mini chocolate chip cookies (by yourself) and watch lifetime Christmas movies and contemplate a stiff drink even though you just took a Motrin for cramps. Days like today I wish I was a drinker, I often wonder what happened to the girl I was in college, I drank pretty regularly.

I must say it hurts to know this is another cycle coming to an end with no happy ending, I kind of wish I could of at least made it 14DPO so I could test. I can help but think there is something that the dr is missing maybe there is something else wrong. They don’t seem to think anything else is wrong besides my PCOS. I worry about endometriosis but I briefly brought it up and she didn’t even bat an eye and moved on.

The analyzer in my wants to start researching heavily to see what else I need to be doing. I know there are many other things out there to try. I will start back on the CoQ10 and maybe order the fertility tea, and I must make an appointment with a chiropractor. Not only has be back been all out of place but I read it may help with fertility. Two birds with one stone would be nice. I really have researched a lot but I feel like I am so unsure what will really help and why others do without it and get knocked up all the time.

It’s time to also start back to exercising every day, I stopped because I was frustrated that it didn’t help me get pregnant, I know you have to do it for a while but I had lost hope in it.

Emotions today : I have cried three times today over TV movies and missing friends far away. Ii am not a big crier so this isn’t the norm for me.

Positive attitude to trying again this month, I have gone back and forth in my mind if we should medicate again this cycle or skip one but I know my hubby wants to do all in our powers so I will medicate again. I have no real problem with it at all.

Does anyone know what it means if AF shows up before 14DPO comes?