Pity Party for One

Hurt. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Frustration. Sadness. Misery. Tense. Hopeless. Alone. Rage. Lost. Let down. Less than. Regretful. Unsure.

All these emotions are pouring through me, I started and very light spotting last night and it just confirmed my feelings of not being pregnant. Cried myself to sleep which is really rare but I just hurt. BFN just to confirm this morning.

I am completely aware that this is fairly normal for the end of another cycle when TTC for so long. I know I will overcome it and be strong again, but for the night I just needed to feel everything. Bummed it has to be New Year’s Eve as I don’t want to bring in the new year with such feelings. Good news in this dark moment is that I can drink but probably won’t as we are not much of drinkers, but I will have a coffee. Oh i can also stop taking the progesterone!!( thats almost the most exciting news all day!)

I am just so confused I really don’t know what else to do about getting pregnant. Why isn’t it happening? Is there something wrong that nobody is looking for? What should I be doing my doctor is giving me nothing besides basic medications and the RE doesn’t want to see me for another two cycles. I am scared I as another cycle passes I am becoming more hopeless. I sent my doctor the usual email telling her its CD1 (not yet but starting), and I asked if there is anything else she can look for to see what is happening and if there is anything medicated or un-medicated that I can do. We will see what she says.

Did anyone find a new trick to conceiving in there stocking this year that you want to share?

I am so worn out. I am just getting over a cold I had the last week and a half and I am over loaded with school work and the Christmas decorations are still up. All this was compounded by the fact I saw my closest friends new baby for the first time as she was in town visiting for the holidays. I started TTC three months before her and now she is holding a very beautiful precious 1.5 month old and I am still trying. It’s so hard because I had hoped we would be sharing in all this together. Instead I listen and learn from her which is fine but the timing could have been any worse to start spotting.

This week is going to be so busy- I have three class assignments due and a baby shower on Sunday, which I need to make a baby blanket for. I haven’t even bought the material yet!! The shower is also a supper club so I am making toad in the hole for and I have never made it and need to shop for it. We are slim on groceries. Cramps are coming in the next day or two which usually lay me out for a day. Boy oh Boy this will be an interesting week and all I really want to do is curl up and have a pity party or myself alone with my cats (dogs are on my annoying list at the moment).  Did I mention one of the class assignments is a group activity so I need to meet with them at some point too? I am crying right now just because I don’t want to be strong and handle it all like I normally would; I just want life to be easy for once. I did survive the holidays so I will survive this week and the next.

For now I will drudge through and find hope in this new cycle.

Happy new year to everyone may it be filled with peace and love for you and your loved ones. I can only hope that next year is going to get better for me and my love.


5 thoughts on “Pity Party for One

  1. Pity parties are completely acceptable. I am so sorry this year has not gone as planned. GOOD RIDDANCE to it. And, I’m sorry, but anyone who is like, cheer up just stay positive should be slapped in the face. Always remember to have compassion for yourself, your grief, frustration, and sadness. Because I know you’re going to keep going no matter what 🙂
    Is there any way you can get out of some of the things, like making a stink’n baby blanket? (though, I’m sure it’s ADORABLE, was just thinking, no the most fun thing to make… and sewing can be stressful). With all the plans going on, sounds like you might end up getting sick! Stay well rested and hydrated, hot bathes, chocolate. And I hope your doctor gets more aggressive. *hugs*

  2. Try Fertilaid. It is all natural. I did the fertility treatments…..clomid and other meds with a fertility clinic. Nothing worked. I decided to try Fertilaid which got my hormones straight and got pregnant 3 months later. I just had my baby girl in November. Oh, and I am 41 years old. So this stuff works.

    • I think my husband agrees with you and so do i, its just a harder choice than i would like it to be, especially when so many around me are having babies (conceiving) babies for free. I will look into fertilaid today, i am open to new things right now.

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