My posting has been quite erratic as of late due to the fact that when writing a research paper my focus is on gettin er’ done. When i last left off we where getting ready for IUI number 8 but at this point i have stopped counting even count the cycle because we are on cycle 17 what i am count is the number of cycle past the LAP. Our window to conceive after the LAP is about 6-8 months and we are in month two which scares me. The fright comes from if its going to happen and the unknown if it doesn’t (no game plan in 6 months). I am trying hard to stay positive and that it will happen! What will be will be.
Since the IUI my hubby has been very vocal about how hopeful he is this cycle. Normally he doesn’t really say much and the other night before we fell asleep he said he hopes we are pregnant this time. Then he keeps making jokes about my belly being his baking making machine. I casually laugh it off in hopes it really comes true. He also has brought the fact he really want just one of ours to be walking around. So sweet. I have yet to let his possible disappointment in infertility affect me because i am sure it would devastate me.
So far i have started the wonderful progesterone suppositories and last night the vivid bad dreams started! The worst part of the progesterone is the grossness but next tot hat is the horrible bad dreams it gives me. I awake from the bad dreams multiple times a night and usually i am hot and my heart is beating fast. In the end i can handle both those bad side-effects if it gives me the one BEST side-effect of a baby.
I am also working on my zen (less stress). I really try to avoid things that are going to get to me or at least I handle them in ways that are not going to effect me by stressing me out. So far I think I am doing a great job, but I am sure hubby might think differently.
Oh one thing i am not handling is the announcements of more pregnancies all around me! My misery needs company people!!! I mentions awhile back that a girl in my course is pregnant and she is about 7 months along luckily she is not all over the top about it and she keeps her misery (excuses) to a minimum. However another girl is accidentally pregnant, she thought she was done with her three kids and lo and behold she is pregnant again. While at first i was not over joyed because I worried I was going to have to watch her belly grow and not my own. but then last Tues she announced she is going to be leaving the coarse and switching to a different school. Though i wasn’t relived because i like her and wished she would stick around. THEN…. the girl next to be turns and asks if i have kids, i said no, she said GOOD and to wait as long as possible. I felt the urge to say i am an infertile climbing up my throat, and i swallowed several time in order to keep my embarrassment to myself. I responded if it happens it happens, then the subject changed. This was not isolated conversation though, it happened again with a different girl who i am bit more familiar. She wants a second baby and her husband doesn’t because the first is in her words their daughter is a terror. HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i wanted to scream that i would be happy with a terror i would cherish my child either way but didn’t. AND then another couple asked if we have kids my hubby said we are trying (which i thought was cute) then they followed by we should meet there old because he will make us not want them. OH yeah and my friend that had her baby in Feb (she was my TTC buddy) told me she is not sending me pics or updates because she doesn’t think it will make my happy.
Low and behold i realize i need some new TTC buddies who aren’t pregnant, i need company and empathy. As much as i am so very happy to read about all my fellow TTC bloggers i am said that i am feeling more alone than ever on this journey. Though i find hope in there BFPs so keep em comin!
As i write this i am feeling a bit hormonal and on the decline of emotions as compared to this morning! Maybe i am crashing from the coffee i snuck in this AM.