Hurt. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Frustration. Sadness. Misery. Tense. Hopeless. Alone. Rage. Lost. Let down. Less than. Regretful. Unsure.
All these emotions are pouring through me, I started and very light spotting last night and it just confirmed my feelings of not being pregnant. Cried myself to sleep which is really rare but I just hurt. BFN just to confirm this morning.
I am completely aware that this is fairly normal for the end of another cycle when TTC for so long. I know I will overcome it and be strong again, but for the night I just needed to feel everything. Bummed it has to be New Year’s Eve as I don’t want to bring in the new year with such feelings. Good news in this dark moment is that I can drink but probably won’t as we are not much of drinkers, but I will have a coffee. Oh i can also stop taking the progesterone!!( thats almost the most exciting news all day!)
I am just so confused I really don’t know what else to do about getting pregnant. Why isn’t it happening? Is there something wrong that nobody is looking for? What should I be doing my doctor is giving me nothing besides basic medications and the RE doesn’t want to see me for another two cycles. I am scared I as another cycle passes I am becoming more hopeless. I sent my doctor the usual email telling her its CD1 (not yet but starting), and I asked if there is anything else she can look for to see what is happening and if there is anything medicated or un-medicated that I can do. We will see what she says.
Did anyone find a new trick to conceiving in there stocking this year that you want to share?
I am so worn out. I am just getting over a cold I had the last week and a half and I am over loaded with school work and the Christmas decorations are still up. All this was compounded by the fact I saw my closest friends new baby for the first time as she was in town visiting for the holidays. I started TTC three months before her and now she is holding a very beautiful precious 1.5 month old and I am still trying. It’s so hard because I had hoped we would be sharing in all this together. Instead I listen and learn from her which is fine but the timing could have been any worse to start spotting.
This week is going to be so busy- I have three class assignments due and a baby shower on Sunday, which I need to make a baby blanket for. I haven’t even bought the material yet!! The shower is also a supper club so I am making toad in the hole for and I have never made it and need to shop for it. We are slim on groceries. Cramps are coming in the next day or two which usually lay me out for a day. Boy oh Boy this will be an interesting week and all I really want to do is curl up and have a pity party or myself alone with my cats (dogs are on my annoying list at the moment). Did I mention one of the class assignments is a group activity so I need to meet with them at some point too? I am crying right now just because I don’t want to be strong and handle it all like I normally would; I just want life to be easy for once. I did survive the holidays so I will survive this week and the next.
For now I will drudge through and find hope in this new cycle.