I think doubt is setting in! I am starting to think and nearly believe i will not be able to have children of our own. It scares me but in some ways i feel like i need to prepare myself for that outcome. I am 6DPO on cycle 12 IUI#2. At this point i am grateful that i am ovulation but starting to get suspicious that something else is happening which is why i have never seen the two pink likes, I just need to let this thought out of my brain!
Some days are fine somedays not so fine, I can see the correlation of what I eat. Some of my favorites like chipotle are not agreeing with me these days. It’s been funny because my appetite has been shrunk (which according to my weight may not be such a bad thing). I can’t seem to eat as much either, but then it feels like I am weak and my blood sugar is low. I am treating it like a trial phasse to see what sets me off.
Some days I think why am I doing this to myself and is this worth it? The answer always comes back to the realization of how much I would love to enjoy our baby. I do have thoughts of what if it never happens, should we be looking into adoption more, and am I becoming diabetic. These are just my fears coming forward.
On another topic, I found a job posting for a dream job I would love to have. Strangingly I am feeling discouraged about even getting the application together. I think I am afraid the the outcome of possibly bein a let down. I really don’t want to live my life in fear of let’s down to the point where I am even afraid to try for things I want.
This journey is really taking ahold of my life, more than I realize at times. I want to be proud when I look back on journey, maybe I should start looking at it more carefully from that point of view. I know the only way I can sleep easier is knowing I am trying everything to the best of my ability.
Just my thoughts for this afternoon!
Its is an amazing cool summer day pretty unheard of for mid July around these parts. I have gotten some home chores droning mainly cleaning the never ending cycle of cleaning.
Metformin…. Love to hate it these days, since I upped my metformin to 2000mg per day, starting last week which means my hind gut is not a happy camper. I did a small bit of research yesterday on metformin and was slightly shocked at what I found.
Studies have shown that it doesn’t help with fertility when combined with clomid the out comes where about the same in studies where clomid on its own and met itself and then a third group where they took both. I am kinda in shock because I was very much under the belief that it’s was better when in combination.
These days I really am not a fan of the metformin side effects and really want to stop taking it, but there is that part of me that thinks that I could use any help I can get. But my quality of life may be being effected more than I like. What if I continue on this route for the next year+ knock on would it doesn’t happen. But what if? I am not sure if this is great for my quality of life. Anyone else faced this delima?
This is the first time in the last few cycles where I am wanting AF to visit me I am very excited to be off the clomid this round and start fermera.
So the clomid I took 13 days ago still seems to in my system ugh without an ovulation I could feel the effects until AF visits. It sucks to have symptoms of first trimester but not be anywhere near a pregnancy. Anyone know of ways to help with the symptoms?
Have you missed me? I have been pretty hit and miss on postings lately. I must apologies I just haven’t been feeling all myself, today. Is a new day. I am not going to let a the hormons or the unanswered wishes get the best of me. Many of posts were started but none published, I have been keeping up on the reader, not many comments but some likes.
I am not going to hide the fact that I am struggling right now. Life has gotten the better of me and I am a bit lost to figure out what my role is and how I fit in. Life has thrown me a few curve balls and now I just need to figure out how I am goingto hit them out the park.
So this cycle was a complete wash for me , being that my last cycle was the first that I probably had a true ovulation with a rip follicle, I was planing to have another ripe ova this cycle. Well that would just be to easy now wouldn’t it! Clomid defiantly not very friendly to me I was feeling all the side effects. Those sideffects combined with the facts that I didn’t get a BFP was just cruel.
Oh the tears but for happy things, I found myself crying because others where having good things happen for them this was a first for me. I don’t cry over stuff unless it’s a goodbye,goodbyes always get me. Sort of surprising was i shed no tears this cycle after either of the ultrasounds. Both showed no promising follicle sizes, a few small ones and one medium 17mm. Bummed out but the dr. Decided to change things up and try out femara. It was a little bit surprising but I think she was trying to avoid upping my clomid to 150 mg , because IUI would be needed at that level. I was kinda looking forward to the next step with IUI, but femara looks just as promising.
I am not sure which was worse the TWW with a neg or the fact that this cycle is a wash with no real hope for a BFP. I am also bummed because without the ovulation my cycle will probably long which means the next chance is going to be longer than I would like. With all that said let the journey continue…
New medication regiment:
Metformin non sustaine release 2000 (highest I have ever taken)
FamAra 2.5 mg (first time use) days 3-7.
Last night i had a dream…. We had a baby it was months old but then it could walk and singing along to a DVD. Random I know but it is the first time I dreament of use having a child. It really really made me happy I felt like it may be a sign that we are on the right path and that one day we will have one.
Today is cd10 and I was supposed to OPK this AM but I flub it all up. First I forgot then I was like oh shoot and was able to get a small bit more pee out only to then drop the cup as I reached for the OPKs. It’s not prefect but it is what it is. Today we start doing the deed every other day.. Sounds simple right?.. No clomid has been drying me out and making it really uncomfortable so attempt one not so great.
I have been reading a lot about women’s taking mucinex to thin out there mucus so starting tomorrow I am going to start taking it so it will be in my system for ovulation. This should help with the deed and getting the spermatids to the top of my tubes. I haven’t read much about it doing more harm than good.
Last night was nice and quite fourth of July, we stayed home got some KFC and where able to watch several firework shows from just outsiDe our house, bonus to live in flat farm country.
Besides the every day thought of if this is ever going to happen I have had other random thoughts.
Today is CD7 day four on clomid, my emotions are not in check the last day or so. I have been melo, laughing, frustrated, angry (may of gotten in a fight with a baby gate cuz it wasn’t where it was supposed to be thus it got in my way), yelliNg, high blood pressure, strange dreams, woke up thinking negative thoughts, but now after a failed atempt of calming my thought I will hopefully type it all out of my head.
Part of me wonders if I have endometriosis? I have thought I may have it since I was in high school. I have such painful periods with heavy clothing bleeding. The pain is so strong my parents would give me some of there prescription strength meds to help me function on the first three days of my period. In high school and college if I didn’t take strong medications I couldnt attend class, I couldnt eat, I could barely get out of bed.
Really I just think my fears are getting the best of me. With each BFN HPT I start to think why???? Is there more wrong with me besides my PCOS, are we going to make a baby? I keep trying to tell myself to stop thinking about the wanting of a child to love. I worry that I want it too much. Hubby and myself have some much love to share that I think we might be driving ourselves stir crazy. Or at least it is for me!
Where do I go from here…. Today i am going to take it one step at a time, first breakfast maybe some quilting after that? Oh and I guess the fur babies would like to be feed too.
So here I go one foot in front of the other.
- A reflection of our TTC journey (2) (mybubjourney.wordpress.com)