I think doubt is setting in! I am starting to think and nearly believe i will not be able to have children of our own. It scares me but in some ways i feel like i need to prepare myself for that outcome. I am 6DPO on cycle 12 IUI#2. At this point i am grateful that i am ovulation but starting to get suspicious that something else is happening which is why i have never seen the two pink likes, I just need to let this thought out of my brain!
So it has been one year of TTC. It is a very unwanted anniversary. I am not sure what to think about it, i have seen so many others whom journeys is much longer but i felt i needed to share with someone. My heart is all a mess, trying to stay positive and keep moving forward yet also trying to not let myself feel so hopeful and then let down. I know i still have more options and i have not come to any ends in the road but it is a daunting milestone in the same.
This month seems so busy for us, probably the busiest this year. We have meetings for foster to adopt, i start my master program, its also my big 29th birthday at the end. Once my bday passes tiss the seasons begins and our first wedding anniversary. It is going to be a whirl wind of events and all i can think about is TTC during it all. Stress i am sure will be high so controlling that is a must.
By the end of the month my friend will probably have her baby, and then the next week i will be at a baby shower for my other closest friend. I cant help but feel like i am TTC by my self now i have no buddy to call about my CM or OPK’s. Though they are both trying to be as supportive as they can. But i notice a change when couples gt pregnant nearly instantly they aren’t interested in hanging out with all there old childless friends and flock to those with children. It hurts and saddens me because though i have not had a child myself i have good kid experience and helpful hints. I also like to research for my future children so i am up to speed on all the latest recalls and good buys. I hope i wont be the same, but oh wait nearly all my friends have or will have babies already.
Avoidance or Trying to avoid baby thinking is ridiculously hard right now, I am trying to think about anything else however all I can do this thing how everything will be effected if we have children. I want to craft but all I can think about is children crafting or how I want to tech my children how to craft. I want to bake but I think about eating healthy to make a baby. I want to buy cloths but think I should wait as I may need new cloths if the next cycle is a BFP. On TV this AM I saw Rosie Pope on talking about pregnancy and child raising…
I started spotting which I am pretty sure is AF starting, it was brown. Now today more brown spotting and no real cramps. Am I too quick to say its AF starting as though it is what I am expecting to happen? I think I will call today CD1?? I don’t know with the new added script if this is how this period will be.
I am still feeling unsure about what I/we want to do next. I looked up success rates of IUI; 10-15% on IUI #1 but by IUI 4 it goes up to 50%. It makes me think I should be waiting and giving the OBGYN more chances at IUI before I move to the RE.
Or am I just scared to move to the RE and be labeled infertile. I want to be aggressive in getting pregnant at this point but I also want to practice patients. If I give the OB more chances and they fail and I am referred to the RE who finds something that the OB wasn’t looking for I will be angry with myself for not asking to be referred sooner. I fear that I may have something fixable going on but just don’t know what it is. Currently I fee very torn and feeling weak in my decision making skills.
With all that said I am working on a plan, I have contacted the OB to send in my normal script for Fermera. As we want to continue to try this month. Next the plan is I will ask for a referral to an RE I picked out. It could take up to a week for the referral to go through so I am not sure who will monitor my cycle. I am they type of person who needs a plan for all directions I am considering so the other plan is to stick with the OB for another 2 cycles of IUI in hopes of pregnancy.
Right now I feel cruddy from cramping so I want to turn the AC on and veg. Cleaning the house up first then veg so I can veg in cleanliness.
I said I would never apologies for what I wrote about but this is a different apology, it’s not about my words or editing of my feelings and emotions. With that said…
My apology for most of my recent posts; I have been making them via my Ipad which is really not working out to being conducive to writing and posting. I struggle with so many issues that by the time I can get my words on the screen I am uber frustrated and lack editing of basic mistakes or write overs by Ipad. Hopefully I will work out the kinks with the Ipad but until then I shall try and sit at the desktop and write some better posts.
Strangely I felt a need for an apology to my readers, it could just be the emotions as I have been pretty emotional as of late.